fantasy

My whole life I fantasized about the future, really I think that that personality trait is why I have the drive I have today and why I want to go to law school, I shoved this amazing image of being a powerful lawyer into my mind so many times that all I wanted was to have that life, maybe that’s a blessing or maybe it’s not but I’m not too upset at 9-year-old aubrey for wanting to be Elle Woods.

I remember in detail the night before my first school dance I laid in bed and dreamed about how amazing it would be, I pictured the whole Hollywood movie prom scenes with the twinkle lights in a garden and a little pavilion to dance under, I imagined that I’d get my first kiss and fall in love, I just knew that everyone in the gym would turn and look at me when I walked in because I was just that beautiful.... but sadly none of that happened. I was in my middle school gym, there wasn’t even punch, I didn’t even get asked to dance, and I looked like I wore a sparkly trash bag. I was let down.

That didn’t stop me from daydreaming and fantasizing about everything in life. The last year I have spent countless hours dreaming about my next stage of life. How would I feel? What would it be like? I dreamed about riding around feeling carefree and just feeling the air hit my face. I dreamed about having a group of friends that loved me. I dreamed about deep inside being content with where I was. I dreamed about all of those movie scenes where the main character has some sort of amazing moment where everything makes sense, it all feels like it’ll be okay. The moment in the movie that the whole theater smiles at and wants to be a part of. All of these small things felt so out of reach though. I have told myself “someday” every day for nearly 2 years.

But then all of a sudden I’m riding around at sunset with three of the best people I know, I’m a red jeep with no top scream-singing some of the best songs. Or I’m walking through the zoo making fun of birds with someone who has finally shown me what it’s like to have real friends. I’m getting loved on and hugged by the girl who taught me that it’s okay not to be okay and showed me how strong I really can be. And I’m sitting in the same red jeep looking over at the person who has been by my side through some of the worse heartbreak I can even imagine.

No teenage coming of age story is the same but they all have one defining moment that everyone remembers, think perks of being a wallflower when he is going through the tunnel. I had that moment or my moments. I finally feel as if I can be me and I finally feel like I am me. I’ve worried for a long time that I wouldn’t know who I wanted to be when I finally was able to be unapologetically me but I don’t have to worry about figuring that out. I am exactly who I am supposed to be, I just have to have the strength to let myself be that person all the time.

So thank you to a few special people for giving me a day and an afternoon that was just like how I imagined my days would be like, and thank you for making me feel the most loved and alive I have felt in a long time. The last two days have reminded me of who I am and what I want in life.